P.S.: Communicating isn’t just important for figuring out the puzzle of sexual compatibility. It’s also an essential component of consent.
If you’ve already gotten down and dirty and given some direction about what you want, think about how they responded. Did they seem shocked/confused/disinterested or did they get an eager look in their eye?
You’re on the same page with PDA. Some people love the public hand hold/hug/leg touch/shoulder squeeze, and others hate it. Either way, this could be a sign you have different expectations in how you relate sexually.
But Psychology Today offers this definition: “It’s the extent to which a couple perceives they share sexual beliefs, preferences, desires, and needs with their partner
Obvi there’s more to sex than sexting, but if they constantly want to sext and you don’t, or they respond to your flirty text with something that ruins the mood, it’s a red flag.
You find the same movie scenes/songs/podcasts hot. A shared look, a nervous giggle, an eyebrow waggle. If you think the same media gets you both a little flushed, it’s nothing but a good sign.
“When couples have different sexual expectations and wants and they don’t talk about it, they end up getting into fights, become resentful, and sometimes the partnership becomes sexless,” Skyler says.
You both like (or dislike) flirty/sexy texting
Next, do a location check – neutral locations are best. Think a long car ride, weekend brunch date, plane ride, or a long walk with the dog.
It might feel nerve-racking to bring up but experts recommend this template: compliment something that went well in your last sexual interaction + ask them how they felt + share what you’d like to see more (or less) of.
You might also choose to begin with an activity such as making a Yes No Maybe list or playing Sex Marks The Spot.
- “I think it could be really hot to fill out a sexual Yes/No/Maybe list together. Does that sound like something you might want to do together?”
- “I miss the way you taste. Would love to look at our schedules together to talk about how we might make more time for that.”
- “I was reading about bondage and I think it’s something I might like to try. Is that something you have any experience with or interest in?”
- “Before this gets serious, I want you to know that public sex is an important component of sexual relationships to me. How do you feel about having sex at a sex party or at a park?”
This shouldn’t be a one-and-done convo, says Dr. Jones. “Many people find that the things that they liked at 19 or 20 are different than what they enjoy at 40 or 50,” he says.
So you’re going to have to have the convo at least once every 20 years… Kidding! In reality, “these conversations need to happen throughout the course of the relationship.”
And yet, most of us use sexual compatibility as a guiding force in gauging how “right” a relationship (or potential relationship) is – regarding sexual incompatibility as the ultimate deal breaker.
Below, three experts explain what this make-it or break-it factor really means, and share best practices for determining whether it exists, can be worked on, or is a lost cause.
“This simply isn’t something that would be listed in the DSM or dictionary,” Dr. Christopher Ryan Jones, PsyD, a clinical psychologist with a specialty in sex therapy, says.
Another form of sexual compatibility is the extent to which similarities exist between actual turn ons and turn offs for each partner emotionally, cognitively, and behaviorally.”