Most relationships aren’t going to have what it takes to go the distance. In fact, many relationships simply can’t last because of a simple fact: you’re not sexually compatible.
Are You Sexually Compatible?
It may not seem like it at first, while you’re caught up in the throes of new relationship energy. Even if you’re not quite at the same level, you believe You see, new relationships are easy. All those chemicals flooding your brain – the deluge of oxytocin and dopamine making the neurons in the pleasure centers of your brain fire off like the fountains in front of the Bellagio – make everything seem amazing.
And much like the Bellagio fountains, it’s kind of cool at first but it goes off EVERY 30 GODDAMN MINUTES and makes it impossible to get anything done. JeniFoto / Shutterstock
There’s nothing that the two of you can’t do because you’re in love – the kind of love that nobody has ever known before!
Unfortunately, it rarely takes long for reality to set in. Once you’re out of the honeymoon period, then you’re faced with finding out whether there’s really any long-term potential here… and if you’re not sexually compatible, then you’ve got a ticking time-bomb hidden, waiting to blow your relationship apart. And like adventure games of old, if you don’t address it in the beginning, it can often be too late to fix things.
So before things get serious, you need to sit down and work out whether you have what it takes to go the distance together.
The Importance of Sexual Compatibility
We tend to have a complicated and conflicted relationship with sex. Even in the 21st century, we live in a profoundly sex-negative culture – just one that likes to think that it’s progressive. Our sexual education system is at best a glorified anatomy lesson; at worst, it’s a collection of lies and deliberate misinformation designed to (theoretically) keep children from having sex ever. We tell women to be sexy but not sexual – to be desirable but to not feel desire – while men are told that their worth depends on much sex as possible, setting men and women up for an inevitable conflict. Even the concept of making sure everybody is an eager participant is a new and radical concept.
See, sex and being sexual compatibility are one of the most important parts of maintaining a relationship. In fact, it’s one of the most common reasons why relationships end. But at the same time, sex remains incredibly important to relationships… right up until it suddenly isn’t. When we complain about being dissatisfied with our sex-lives then you rish plunging head-first into a wall of razor-sharp judgement from just about everyone around you. If the sexual dissatisfaction doesn’t conform to a very specific narrative… well, you’re really being selfish at best and a perv at worst.
Not getting enough sex? Well boo-goddamn-hoo; maybe try realizing that sex isn’t the most important thing in the world. Or maybe you should do more housework. Or maybe be grateful for what you are getting. Partner wants sex way more than you do? Quit humble-bragging, do you know how many people would love to have your problem? And if you happen to leave your partner over, say, wanting non-vanilla sex… well, then you’re almost instantly the bad guy. What kind of freak are you?
This, incidentally, remains true for men and women. Anyone who vocally strays from the dominant cultural narrative surrounding sex in relationships faces being judged by everyone. A woman with a high libido, or who wants consensual sex with multiple partners is a slut. A man with a low (or even non-existant) libido is insufficiently manly. A man who wants more sex than his partner does is inconsiderate at best and a monster at worst. A person who wants to indulge in a kink or fetish is a pervert or freak. People who complain will be told “really, isn’t that just a small thing in comparison to everything else in the relationship? Isn’t the love or companionship worth more than indulging in footplay or only having sex once every three months?”